Queen Esther aka Queen E: Basically Beyoncé before Bey was bae. You can follow her on the gram @ésther
King Ahashverosh aka King Ahash Hefner: Star of The Real Chauvinist of Shushan coming to Bravo next fall. You can follow him on the gram @TheAshMan
Haman: #boo kinda makes Voldemort look nice
You can follow him on the gram @HamansGonnaHate
Mordecai: The original NJB. You can follow him on the gram @champagnemordi
Queen Vashti aka Queen V: Would be the leader of #metoo if she were around today and is the real hero we need #Imwithher. You can follow her on the gram @badgalvashti
A long AF time ago in ancient Persia, Jews were subjects of the mighty Persian empire which extended over 127 lands #landonlandonland
King Ahashverosh aka King Ahash Hefner had been ruling for 3 years and felt like ballin’ out so he threw a 180-day-long party for all his pleebs. But just like the Twitter character limit, this wasn’t long enough, so he threw another week-long party for all the peeps of Shushan, the capital city. On the seventh night, King Ahash Hef was shwasted and commanded his wife Vashti aka Queen V to send nudes to all his bros at the party. Queen V, giving side eye and was like "You got me twisted, you must not know bout me.” #boybye
King Ahash Hef knew he could have another queen in a minute and starting looking for a replacement BAE. His servants, aka casting agents, went on a quest to find the most eligible bachelorettes for our bachelor King Ahash Hef. The girl who won the rose would be the new queen. #broadsinShushan
The leader of the Jews at that time was a man with Bar Mitzvah money and the name Mordecai. He was on his best behavior #Godsplan, having raised his orphaned cousin Esther as his own fam. Esther was selected as one of the bachelorette contestants, but because she #wokeuplikethis, she didn’t bother wasting time with YouTube tutorials and showed up sweatpants, hair-tied, chillin' with no makeup on for the competition #nofilter. King Ahash Hef immediately swiped right and selected Esther as his new Queen E of Persia. She was warned by Mordechai to keep her Jewish identity on the DL in the palace. #notwoke
Meanwhile, Haman #boo, one of King Ahash Hef’s sheeple was movin' on up and promoted to Prime Minister which meant everyone had to legit bow down whenever he walked by. Haman #boo went hard in the paint against the Jews #hater, so when Mordecai refused to bow down one afternoon, because Jews only bow to God. Haman #boo was pissed AF. Haman #boo said “little brat you can’t mess with me if you wanted to” and sent a g-cal invite to King Ahash Hef for the 13th of Adar to be the day all the Jews die…..literally.
Haman #boo tweeted that people should #riseup against the Jews and kill them all. His tweet went viral and now Mordecai and the rest of the Jews were freaking the f out. Mordecai slid into Esther’s DMs and told her she had to beg the king to save her people. But Queen E was living her best life and can’t even.
Mordecai dropped some major keys reminding her “They don’t want you to live. If they kill us, they’ll kill you too.” So Queen E told Mordecai to have all the Jews fast for 3 days and on the third day she would out herself to King Ahash Hef #Mileywhatsgood. All the Jews came together IRL and fasted and prayed.
After three days of fasting, Queen E, feeling reckless in her Givenchy dress, went to King Ahash Hef’s chambers and invited him and Haman #boo to 2 feasts. She had a plan for how she would save her people, and this was just the start #yasqueen!
King Ahash and Haman #boo attended the first feast. Haman #boo was still pissed at Mordecai for not bowing down and wanted to hang him in the center of the city. King Ahash was staying woke all night from insomnia, heard about how Mordecai stopped a royal assassination attempt, and rewarded him with a rager in his honor #ravEPi
TL; DR--Queen E's plan is in motion, King and Haman #boo show up for dinner.
On the night of the second feast, Queen E got real and made her request. “Sit down, be humble and let my people go!” #wrongholiday (Passover is coming up March 30th; seder link in bio.) Esther @’s Haman #boo as the hater and King Ahash Hef is v angry. Instead of hanging Mordecai, King Ahash decides Haman #boo needs to be hanged...#plottwist. And they all lived happily ever after (at least according to the PG version you learned in religious school.)
The NSFW ending: After Haman is hanged, Mordecai and Queen E wrote a decree granting Jews permission to defend themselves #defensewinschampionships. The Jews went too far and actually killed their enemies because they got a lot of enemies. Awk...
TL;DR: To celebrate Queen E's brave big reveal of her true self, Mordechai's #notallheroeswearcapes, and Queen V's resistance, the club goes up every year on the 14th of Adar #PurimFTW
About the Authors:
When not working at SF Hillel, you can find Sasha Joseph and Naomi Zipursky catching up on the latest murder mystery novels, finishing up their Amazing Race casting videos and crying over This is Us.